Hi y'all I want to tell you something.
In the last year I've been quite ill off and on. I had long term gallbladder problems and without wanting to lost a lot a LOT of fucking weight. I've been struggling with it very hard. I don't want to be a thin person. I had surgery over the past summer and I was really hoping by now that I'd be a bit thicker but, it is looking like i'm going to be this size.
Part of my upset has been that for the past 5-6 years I got very good at curating my wardrobe to suit myself. For the record I ONLY dress to impress me.
@shannons.chiaroscuro new @KILLSTAR ♬ original sound - Quazy vibes 😝🤟🏼
I did so well I had a wardobe I was purely in love with. In love with myself. THen I had to face the fact that my body has radically changed. I have a fucking thigh gap. Do I want it? Fuck no but this is how I'm built and shaped at this size so, here we are. I've been working to look at my body as it is right now and get to at least neutral. I think I'm getting there. Part of my problem has been that I feel weirdly self conscious about my newly thin body.
I have been miserable and struggling. I've never once really hated my body. I loved my fat fatter and fattest body. I have for a few years mourned the loss of my fat community. Right now I'm still learning how to dress my body in a way I find pleasing and I'm finally getting there. I also have been hiding my body. Hiding how small I actually am because I felt ashamed in a way, this isn't the body I imagine having and I have felt weird.
So instead of mourning I'm dressing myself in ways that bring me pure joy. Bell bottoms are in style so I'm buying a shitload of them. I'm buying ones with patterns because they make me feel glamorous.
>@shannons.chiaroscuro new pants. 7/10 no pockets in front. current fave song. cold weather fit.
♬ This Is New York - ScarLip
And I'm working on not wearing outfits like the one above when I feel self conscious. I need to emotionally remember that I am entitled to being able to love my body and dress it in whatever way I want.
I have Fat Liberation to thank for this. If I hadn't really come into adulthood studying these things, if I hadn't been in the Fatosphere, if I hadn't been in Fatshionista I would be falling apart. I'm not.
I look cool as fuck.
@shannons.chiaroscuro ootd. comfy Corp goth forever on my bs
♬ original sound - Quazy vibes 😝🤟🏼
I am starting to figure out my body as it is right now and I feel good. Today I feel like I'm having a pure victory. I picked up this piece from Killstar (for way less we'll talk about how I get more expensive items I have a system) and y'all. I had planned on styling it with a dress but wore it with my tiktok shop unitard and.......I FEEL SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL AND POWERFUL.
13 year old me is right this minute losing their whole entire shit. THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO LOOK WHEN I GREW UP.
Next time I'm going to really lean into my general urban wizard aesthetic and wear OTK boots and do a whole look but for a test run, BAYBEEE.
I MEAN LOOK AT ME RN.
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